dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
