I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
