im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
