Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
