I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
