i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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