I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
