That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
