im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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