mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
