Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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