If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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