1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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