Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
