sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
