why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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