Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
