I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
