Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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