Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
