And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
