Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
