id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
