im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
