She said her name was "party"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
