I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
