I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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