Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
