dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
