Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
