i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
