I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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