so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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