i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
