My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
