I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
