my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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