I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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