So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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