im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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