Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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