i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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