tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
