with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
