i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
