I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
