You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
