he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
