Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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