tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
