I just cut my nipple shaving
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
