dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
